Friday, June 30, 2006

found a song. or actually, heard it from jason's hp yesterday night.

which completely completely describes wads happening now.

i was stunned for this little moment when this song played and i heard the lyrics.

amidst the sounds of mahjong and crowded room suddenly i felt alone.

like i was the only person in the world, listening to this song.

weird how some songs just can hit u when u hear the lyrics.

http://mp3.baidu.com/m?tn=baidump3lyric&word=记得&ct=150994944&lm=-1&lf=3
(cut and paste the link, for some reason it dun work!)

记得 by zhang hui mei.

funny how love starts off so sweet and u just want to do ever single thing, and wan to be with tt person every single minute of your life. how u can feel so strongly, how u just want to spend the rest of your life with him.

how u already planned your future, so sure tt you'll be together forever...

but i guess, life is just like that. i realised tt now.

things change. humans change. emotions change.

maybe i shouldnt delude myself in this dream anymore.

time to move on.

Posted by Jeannie at 5:30 PM

arms aching!!! and butt pain. hahaha havent played badminton in a long time. enjoyed it!

fever cough flu.

mild, but enough to make me feel dead.

******************************************************************************

u know someone doesnt care anymore.

y do u always have to make me compare?

so only YOU are busy in this whole world?

excuses.

thats all u can give me.

every single day.

i dun even ask for happiness forever anymore.

i just want ONE single day tt i can feel u care. just ONE.

and guess wad? u cant even give tt to me.

so your gf is all grumpy and uncomfortable over being sick and the best u can
come up with is tt u were too busy to msg?

right, so wad were u doing on your way to sch? or when u went home to get sth and gg back?

very busy? doing wad? stand in the train?

y is it tt everytime we meet everything's all so sweet and nice.

then the moment we part everything falls apart too?

its so hard for me to function this way.

headache is killing me.

Posted by Jeannie at 3:06 PM

ok. hahahaha ppl are complaining my blog very sad.

so i shall blog tt i am happy!!!

played badminton just now, and my arm feels abit numb and strengthless.

busy busy weekend!!!

Posted by Jeannie at 2:50 AM

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

ARGH. i wanna scream and pull my hair out.

y is it everytime i thought i could do it i always still fail in the end?

y is it everytime i thought i will be happy i still fall back to square one?

i dun want to be me anymore. its too tiring.

ycantujustgetitintoyourstupidfreakingheadtonotbesoselfishandotherthanyourselfyouthinkothersdonothavefearsdonotgetsadwadisitttyouwantfrommeiamsickandtiredsickandtiredofallthisalreadycanufasterrecoverallyourloveallyourcareallyournicenesssoidunhavetosufferlikethisanymore?

Posted by Jeannie at 6:15 PM

night cycling rocks!! hahaha i think i have found a new interest in life.

went for gathering at mel's place 1st. and woah everyone had their bfs there. hahaha but its kindof interesting to see everyone in pairs.

and joan!!!!!!! so pretty!!!! haha and slim la. still say u fat. bish u ah.

night cycling was fun. hahaha i like the idea and feeling of cycling along the roadside, cars zooming past, visiting places at night.

the next morning after returning the bike, i was ultra super duper tired.

and i'm still having muscle ache though it was 2 days ago. hahahaha yay lets go for night cycling again soon!

the night views were superb. nothing beats the feeling of absolute freedom and fresh air at night.

i love night cycling. =)

certain things i have learnt to let go.

to be understanding.

i will concentrate on other aspects of my life instead. =)

and treasure others ard me.

and now... i'm tired! slp slp slp. hahaha...

Posted by Jeannie at 3:41 AM

Sunday, June 25, 2006

u lied.

i hate you.

i'm slowly crossing the line.

Posted by Jeannie at 12:51 AM

Saturday, June 24, 2006

disappointments everyday.

it has grown to such an extent tt i dread every new day.

i dread waking up. i dread not feeling tired.

y cant u just keep to the things u say?

y cant u just not say when u know u cant keep to it?

get out of my mind. pls.

Posted by Jeannie at 4:23 PM

Friday, June 23, 2006

my heart goes cold again.

it is like a vicious cycle.

when will it stop?

tonight is going to be so cramped with activities.

i like! =)

Posted by Jeannie at 1:48 PM

Thursday, June 22, 2006

i am really really ultra super duper confused.

i just all this to stop.

i just want to be happy.

is it tt hard for me to be happy?

so i'm just gonna heck care abt this.

i will carry on with my life properly.

i will make myself happy.

and yay!!! amanda and yoyo going hiphop class with me!

and i shall go for kickboxing classes soon.

time to shed those fats.

Posted by Jeannie at 2:30 AM

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

i am so so so bored.

tts why i keep blogging.

ROAR. its funny how u wish for alot of things to do, but they just come at the same time. like only in the evenings. and leave out huge blanks in btwn where u have nothing to do.

so now i just have to wait for 6pm. in which i am supposed to go for 3 events at the same time. i guess i will split myself.

for now, i'll carry on sitting in my room and stone.

Posted by Jeannie at 2:37 PM

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

its amazing how someone can make u so pissed. and u can forgive him the next moment.

how i just want to end it once and for all, convincing yourself for a few mins. then giving up on the next.

how your heart just feels like it cant be mended anymore and instantly heals when he finally says sth sweet.

the times i wanted to give us up, yet couldnt bear to.

how long will this last till i crack?

or rather, how long will it last till i get tired of this kind of attitude?

i know comparing is unfair.

but... how can u not compare when the difference btwn how i am being treated is so large?

i freaking told him "eh, he is like doing the duties of a bf for u"

and wad answer did i get in response?

"wadever la darling" and he proceeded to talk abt sth else.

when i am down, sad, angry, happy, its not YOU who know and care.

u wan to know why?

i dun see any pt in telling u anymore.

when i get injured, have headaches, pissed over sth, i dun tell u anymore.

wad use will u be?

u wun be smsing to ask if i'm ok, u wun call and ask after me, u wun console me.

the worse thing is, u wun even worry to come and look after me.

i complained. i tantrumed. end product was: can u stop it, its very irritating, i'm tired.

i try to rescue us, arranging outings for picnics and gg to the zoo.

and all i got was: wad makes u think i like to go to the zoo? and aiyah darling we got plenty of time in the future la.

when will u finally realise tt wad u are doing now is just turning me away from you?

when will u finally care? finally hit you?

when i'm on my deathbed? when u finally realise there is no lots of time in the future for us?

maybe its the lack of ppl ard u passing away. not tt i am cursing u of cuz.

but after witnessing the agony and unhappiness of a couple of deaths made me realise the imptance of valuing someone.

tt was y i was wad i was when u were in shanghai. how badly traumatised i was over my junior's bf passed away suddenly.

but did u care? u din.

oh well.

i guess all the things u din do can last a few pages.

i dun wan to be bothered anymore.

lets just let it drag on till the day my heart cant stand it anymore.

and i will move on.

meanwhile, i'm glad to have my swocs by my side. =) i appreciate the care.

made me realise tt someone in this world cares abt me after all.

thank you!

Posted by Jeannie at 12:32 PM

Sunday, June 18, 2006

WAH. my bruise from the game ouch obi obi seriously makes me look like i'm abused.

eh dominic u so cruel la! take revenge for all the times i smack u right. hahaha

wheeee i must say i love camps. though they are bloody tiring.

cuz it gets me busy. gets me so tired i dun think abt the unhappy stuff anymore.

its like every single moment u play and joke and entertain the freshmen morning till night, slping 3 to 4 hrs everyday, dragging yourself out of the bed everyday wishing u can just sink back comfortably into reclusion, away from all the socialising.

every brain cell and body cell just screaming for rest.

i love it.

i love the way it makes me forget my pain, my complaints, my worrying.

things are fine now. but i know, tt one day his heck care attitude will break me again.

but... right now, i'm more confused.

or rather, very very very scared. and indecisive.

i wish a sign can happen, to tell me which road to choose.

y do things have to be in this way?

********************************************************************
bleah. i had a nightmare my mum wanted to kill me.

and i woke up in utter incoherence and fear.

i was so afraid of falling back to slp. its pure fear. tt kind tt stems from running away from murderers, fighting for your life.

i woke up scrunched up in my bed cuz the last part of the dream i was sort of up at the ceiling corner trying to get away from my mum's prying hands below trying to drag me down and kill me. panic like shit.

and the whole day i had muscle ache. no idea how long i was scrunched up so tightly in my slp.

but it now sounds ridiculous. hahaha weird dreams.

*******************************************************************
DXO last night!

fine. i cant dance. freak.

cannot la i just too paiseh already, even after the pre-clubbing vodka, the vodka sprite, and downing 1/2 a jug of cranberry dunnoe wad to compete with winson. then finishing the 2nd jug playing scissors ppr stone with them.

i was dizzy. but sober. and i cant move! oops. hahahaha abit spoil sport.

but. i dunnoe. have thin skin? just felt bloody embarrassed.

thats it. monday starting my regime by mr darius wee. hahaha..

i WILL jianfei and sign up for dancing classes so the next time i go clubbing i dun stand and watch soccer instead.

=( im a loser. hee.

*****************************************************************

long blog. cuz i am so bored. or rather, i'm seriously confused.

i dun like to feel this way. y does history keep repeating itself?

i know. i just know tt this time sth will happen, tt this time i feel the strongest.

i dun wan to hurt someone again and regret again.

i dun want to regret. i dun wan to be stuck in a relationship where he doesnt care abt me. or rather, cant be bothered to.

cant be bothered to listen to me, cant be bothered to buy me flowers, cant even be bothered to find a topic to talk abt on the phone.

every sentence i say, no matter happy sad or angry will be answered with a "wadever", "wadever darling" , "wadever u ben dan". then silence to wait for my next sentence. if u dunnoe wad to say to your gf, who can?

i'm supposed to run to who when i am sad? or crying?

complaining abt it will just get u frustrated.

no one to share my happiness, sadness or anger.

no advice, no consolation.

just pure listening but not absrbing anything in. u think by just doing tt u are fulfilling the responsibilities of a bf?

i know i need to leave u. i know if i just grab this chance in front of me now i'll be happier. but i cant.

i cant bear to leave u.

too much memories. so much to forget. too much.

lets hope i get a sign. tell me wad to do.

i hate crossroads.

will i be happier if i left?

Posted by Jeannie at 12:31 PM

Friday, June 16, 2006

secc just ended.

seriously i have forgotten how tiring it is to be in a camp. and i think its even worse if u are a councillor.

i mean, if u are a freshman and u are tired during camp, u can just excuse yourself and go and rest.

but as a councillor, every moment expects performance and enthusiasm from u even if u are dead tired.

oh well. i feel dead tired now. hahaha.. my eyes are closing soon.

it was fun cheering loudly, having absolutely no image and shouting, jumping ard like a crazy girl again.

and i love accapella! hahaha though it was a total scarifying experience where i was so scared i would forget my part, i like it. haha maybe i should try to audition!
i love my swocs! hahaha they are so cute.

we were supposed to eat dinner together, but i was just so tired tt after i walked out with them to the bus stop, i couldnt take it anymore and went back to rest.

and they bought cake for me cuz they thought i was in a bad mood! so sweet.

i think i gained back all the fats i lost during camp from the 2 secret recipe cakes i ate though.

i think sometimes i let my emotions cloud my opinion.

i guess i was too harsh. too fast in making a conclusion.

now tt i think back on it, ppl do make mistakes at time, and they deserve second chances, esp if u do not know them well.

bleah. my bad.

tired. am using dom's laptop to blog! so hard to type la.

i think i am turning into a bitter person. bitter as in i have more complains abt ppl ard me than be4. is it cuz i changed? or is the real society just like this? full of ppl u realise wear fake masks, tell lies, doing things with a scheming purpose?

Posted by Jeannie at 1:11 AM

Saturday, June 10, 2006

i should stop reading her blog.

it just makes me feel sad everytime.

and reminds me of wad i can have but i dun.

i knw ppl shouldnt compare.

but its just too much of a difference.

sometimes i just dun wan to feel anymore.

i wun mind, wun feel, wun cry, wun hurt.

or maybe i can slp 4ever. or slp through all my unhappiness.

bleah. i know. i should go jianfei. hahahaha then i'll be so tired from all the activities everyday tt i wun have time to think so much. or time to wait there for him to be finally free to go out with me.

yup hohohoho i have a plan! ok fine i had a plan a long long long time ago just tt i lazy to execute.

ppl pls give me diet plans!! or regime. or go with me to kickboxing classes. hahahaha

actually i have a dream. a mini one. which is... learn how to dance.

-_- dun laugh at me.

but i always liked seeing ppl move and envying them.

so. i have to slim down 1st. hahahaha... ok fine.

i think if i slim down i will be happier.

if i slim down, i'll be able to... go clubbing! hahaha..

ok la if i do slim down i will have confidence. tts the impt part. i can be sure tt i will run fast, i can be sure of myself on the court.

if i slim down i can wear nice clothes! and feel motivated to buy them too.

if i slim down i can learn dancing! then i be more confident.

i'll definitely be happier.

so..... when will i FINALLY get down to exercising? gd question. hahaha

Posted by Jeannie at 3:02 PM

i dunnoe.

like seriously.

i dun wan to say anymore.

************************************************

camp is starting next monday.

was rather pissed just now. why cant ppl just stop being so nosy?

its like if u give constructive comments, fine.

if u just wan to force your opinions on us, go get a freaking life.

i hate this world of politics and two-faced snakes.

Posted by Jeannie at 4:05 AM

Thursday, June 08, 2006

happy 1 year anniversary. =)

1 year just flew past like that.

so many things, so much emotions.

lets just hope, things will be fine.

Posted by Jeannie at 12:29 AM

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

sometimes u have no choice but to accept some truths.

i know wadever i do wun help anymore.

and wadever i say wun too.

so i choose to not do anything. and not say anything.

wads lost is lost and wun come back anymore.

i guess i can just hope. hope tt one day a miracle can happen.

it takes 2 hands to clap, 2 hearts for a relationship to carry on.

*****************************************************************

i'm sorry we lost you.

jason's nick last night made much sense.

how many ppl have to die just like tt for others to realise life is so fucking short???

would u have quarrelled with your loved one if u knew?

would u have made this decision if u knew?

would u have broken a promise, or a heart if u knew they'll carry it to their demise?

when can ppl finally realise how selfish and insensitive they are?

when can ppl start treasuring instead of taking their loved ones for granted?

i guess.. when they lose someone they love.

would u have tried harder to love me if i die tomorrow?

it hurts to see everyone around u being in pain. be strong, we'll get thru this together.

Posted by Jeannie at 3:01 AM

Sunday, June 04, 2006

ok. realised i blogged my sadness on this blog instead of my the other blog.

oops. so ppl who saw it treat it like u were dreaming.

pmsing.

very pissed.

freak. i wonder y ppl buy handphones for when they dun even pick up phone.

stupid.

idiot.

damn pissed.

Posted by Jeannie at 6:44 PM

Friday, June 02, 2006

i have always wondered at ppl who read comics.

i just cant understand wads so interesting abt the confusing drawings and reading chinese words.

but today, i just read a comic series for EIGHT hours.

eight straight hours without much stopping. and finished a whole series of it.

and i loved it! hahaha being immersed into this totally cheenafied books with hard to read chinese words, complicated series of kungfu words, black and white drawings and confusing drawings.

hahaha seems like i just acquired a new hobby. any nice comic books to recommend anyone?

******************************************************

i still am happy. =) and proud of myself.

of wad i have finally understood, and achieved.

newfound enlightenment and mature thinking. i like.

lets hope things work out.

*******************************************************

decided to finally get off my fat butt and go exercising.

shall sign up for amore fitness and do kickboxing. anyone wanna join me?

time to get back to wad i used to be.

to feel the satisfaction again.

i love having goals. and challenges. =)

Posted by Jeannie at 10:46 PM

i am so happy.
hahaha i think i havent been this happy in a long long long time.

ytd was a very happy day. blissful. =) i love u darling.

and joan is coming back!!!! YAY!!
hahaha time really flies.
looking forward to seeing her and having her ard again.

my dear laogong joan.

i believe u are special.

cuz u leave footprints in our hearts tt nv fades.

i think i will know u forever. =)

and you're so real. unlike ppl who wear masks the whole time its so tiring talking to them.

in summary, i am just so glad you're coming back!! YAY!!!!

then i can sms u when my bus doesnt come, then it'll always magically appear. hee.

i feel like dancing ard my room.

*************************************************************

i guess one very impt lesson i learnt is not to have expectations.

i'm so much happier. and i feel as if a great burden has been lifted off me.

dun have high expectations for ppl u love. cuz u'll be a hundred times more disappointed if its not met.

just cuz u love them =)

Posted by Jeannie at 1:11 AM