Thursday, December 28, 2006

my handphone has gone crazy.

life choices.

i do not know wad way to turn to now.

im tired of this life. its now dread awaiting me. not anticipation.

oh well. we'll see.

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im happy! recharged. ready to go. other than the lousy results after studying so hard.

new year coming. new start.

i've made peace.

and this time, i've let go. for good.

now im just super bored.

Posted by Jeannie at 5:35 PM

Sunday, December 24, 2006

my mum reprimanded me this morning.

you dun eat proper meals, people slp at night u slp in the day. your body spoil then u know.

but mum. it doesnt matter if my body spoil anymore.

cuz my heart is spoilt.

its broken.

my soul is spoilt.

it has shattered.

how can it matter anymore if my body is spoilt?

but mum, can you fix it for me?

i don't know how to do it by myself.

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a new gf.

i wish you're happier with her.

thanks to my sis, who told me. -_- thanks. and after all my efforts to delete his friendster.

it doesnt hurt.

i dun cry.

just pure bittersweet feelings when i knw the arms that once hugged me. the mouth tt once promised me lots of things. do not belong to me anymore.

lucky girl. hope she treasured u more than i did. and not taken you for granted.

regrets.

this is the last time i will blog abt you.

knowing this piece of information, must be God's way of slapping me awake.

hope you're really happy.

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this sure is a sucky rainy gloomy christmas.

there is nothing in me anymore.

i've lost my soul. will you get it back for me?

Posted by Jeannie at 3:35 PM

Monday, December 18, 2006

i think sometimes ppl just need to be more understanding.

we all know tt hall is busy. we know tt each of us juggle no less than 3 commitments either for interest or to accumulate points.

but some ppl prioritise different things tgt.

different ppl have different ways their family functions, different social circle outside, emotional problems, ups and downs, gd and bad days.

but i guess as ime passes we forget tt we all are actually human, not robots.

not robots tt strive and slave under hall activities everyday.

i guess everyone have their own level of commitment. no one is wrong. tt is how it is.

maybe its time we stop and show some concern or understanding.

no, its not tt u slow down so completely the committee falls apart and your event die off.

its just to show tt understanding tt not everyone's made of the same strong stuff.

we can break down, we are not superhumans.

you may have very little commitments, someone else may have a lot.

your family is not close knitted, u are not ordered to go home every weekend, but someone else faces the parental pressure.

you dun have family gatherings, or friend gatherings, but someone else faces the brunt and guilt of not attending the painstakingly planned gathering.

i guess at this age, we should give everyone the benefit of doubt.

we have lives outside this. but do we know? we work in a committee, we live under the same roof, but do we really know who everyone really is as a person, as a person including his life outside hall?

no. no one can surely say they do abt everyone. so understand. try and understand.

when someone screws up, or went missing, try and understand.

not everyone live and die for hall. or for any commitment or committee.

cover each other's asses instead of complain. help out instead of bitch. put out a helping hand and a kind smile instead of a black face. or reprimanding.

cuz we are all human. ultimately fallible. and weak in our own ways.

maybe then ppl will stop thinking tt hall is like this scary slave driving place tt has more bad than happy memories.

Posted by Jeannie at 5:40 PM

Saturday, December 16, 2006

argh. so many thoughts fly in and out of my brain the whole day.

and by the time i sit down and wanna blog, i cant remem any of them.

its just tt nowadays i feel a lack of enthusiasm for things nowadays.

ever since when he walked out i just simply lose the will to do anything.

its like nothing is right anymore. nothing feels correct.

everything feels dead.

and much as i dun want to admit it, i feel empty. and nothing can give me my soul back.

like there is no reason living on this world anymore.

and i do not know y i am typing all this. blogs. i really hate blogs. privacy vs public.

censorship. reading audience.

i hate it tt i am so absolutely screwed up i cant slp properly at night.

like how i am so exhausted yet remain wide eyed and awake just not slping. how i refuse to off the light to the darkness and quietness and wake yet to another seemingly meaningless day.

at times i feel happy. at peace. happy at last, alive at last. but maybe tts just me doign wad im best at ever since it happened. to convince myself its for the best, tt i am really happy, tt i have moved on.

yet i remain bitter. angry. angry at myself.

have i really moved on? or am i just convincing myself? when i go to familiar places and feel tt feeling, is it bittersweet? is it pain? regrets? do i still love him? no i dun love him, its just bittersweet feelings.

or am i just doing wad my sociology modules teach me. tt emotions in my me. is maybe just wad i conjured up. tt we are doing wad our rational self is telling us to do. to take the safe way out, to persuade and coax myself tt everything is fine, always doing the mental act of pushing away unhappy thoughts, of pushing sadness out of the heart.

so, do we get numb? or do we really get over it? face it, or just forget it ever happened? which is the best way out? or is there no way out except to face and fight it?

i actually think sociology modules make u more confused as it delves deeper and deeper into analyzing humans.

or maybe im just stupid.

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carolling has been fun. i love carolling!! and i cant believe i am still awake when ive been thnking abt slping since 4 hrs ago. long day long day later.

ooooh and i bought red heels. killer. hahahaa i cant understand how ppl can walk in heels the whole day. i even get muscle ache wearing thm for only 3 hrs. and numb toes. scary. but u cant deny they look gd. i guess its the old saying tt girls can throw away their life just to look pretty.

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i cleaned my room! happy. and the baby hamsters are sprouting white fur! and getting bigger everyday. they're like the joy in my life. small and cute. small miraculously lives tt grew in my room. where they were born. i totally love them. i hope they grow up fast and open their little eyes and see the world soon.

i realise i blog like a bimbo.

and i realised something. XTINA!!!! your hamster looks like a cow! hahaha u should call it moomoo instead of oreo. and its so so so cute. haha everyone who came to my room loves her. and she ran happily across my table and bed. =)

oh well. time to tackle the bed. and the darkness. and cure my yawning like 10 times a min.

Posted by Jeannie at 4:02 AM

Friday, December 15, 2006

i dun stay together with someone who lets me walk out in the middle of the night at 2am without a handphone and not care.

last straw. tt just shows how much u care.

Posted by Jeannie at 2:25 AM

Monday, December 11, 2006

exams over. finally.

i dun see y i am so unlucky to always have my exams on the last day and at the very last timing.

430pm on friday 8th Dec.

with even no time to slp much at all i woke up at 8 the next morning to rush for cchsm band alumni rehearsal.

rushed back at 6 plus back to hall again for ex-swoc treat.

woke up at 9 plus to rush to vivo to buy black pants and shirt which cost $88 and in which i only wore for one day. then rushed down in cab to singapore conference hall.

and the cab driver got lost, scolded me cuz HE din know how to go there, made me get down the cab in bloody painful heels to ask for directions(reminder: he is the bloody cab driver) then had me pay $8.70 when it could have been much cheaper and it was him who was too lazy to check the street directory.

band concert rocks. band alumni rocks!!

and here today is monday and all the hall activities starts up again. which wun end till next yr.

and i havent even breathe yet. nor regain all the slp lost during exam period.

and my eye starts to act up again just cuz i wore contacts ytd night for performance. to think i stayed off contacts for a month plus just to prepare for dec usage. to rest my eye.

y do things always go wrong when i am most busy?

and when i sit down and think, i realise tt i havent like rested fully for a week since i stepped into hall.

never ever. no dec hols, no 3 months hols, not even the small little break between exams and starting events.

my fault. too enthu. join too many things.

headache. i wanna rest. let me rest for a day pls? or 2?????

and then all the IHG comp dates and aca carolling dates and sp dates stares back at me.

maybe i should start living a life soon.

not tt i dun like all this activities, but every time i think of how long i havent taken a break from seeing 33 yahoo msgs, or recieving no less than 5 msgs a day talking abt hall stuff or no more than 3 days rest from everything, i feel kind of appalled.

maybe i should learn from some of them, just book myself on holidays, off my hp for a week and disappear without caring of wads happening instead of feeling guilty when i miss out on things.

im ranting.

Posted by Jeannie at 10:26 PM

Saturday, December 02, 2006

To you, whom i rarely thanked.

we walked into this relationship knowing i was on rebound.

we walked into it knowing you're a life boat im going to cling on to.

we became a couple where i missed and cried for another guy, where my heart and mind was completely filled by him.

where i even dreamt of him in my dreams.

your company rescued me from the loneliness, from my own thoughts.

your jokes, the ability to make me laugh, was a change from the tear-filled, painful days.

and slowly, you convince me of the esteem tt was destroyed previously.

the days i laughed started to exceed the days i cried.

the pain starts to ebb, little by little each day.

you, who saw my red eyes after i met him the one last time to give back all the stuff.

you, who hugged me then and told me you'll be there to tide me through it.

who understood i needed time, and waited.

we had our ups and downs,

but i will never never forget the times u cheer me up, the 10000 times u give in to me, staying up overnight to drip medication for my poor eye every hr, tucked me into bed when i feel sick.

how u understood i was afraid to slp at night, and tried to stay up till after i fall aslp.

y waste time for someone who wouldnt bother giving me even seconds of his life?
y waste time for someone who didnt bother to save the relationship?
y waste my tears and feel the pain for someone who doesnt care?

i will cherish you. =) thank you.

Posted by Jeannie at 7:31 AM