Friday, March 30, 2007

this uncanny resemblance.

the build, the height, the look, the way of talking, the smile, the feeling.

this familiarity.

but they are not the same. not the same person.

im obssessed.

fascinated by how scarily he looks like him. and behave like him. and feel like him.

its as if the past sent a devil to haunt me. to remind me. to tell me that maybe i did not recover, tt maybe all i did was run away.

to remind me that while i kept convincing myself i've never ever met him in my life, that while i erase all our memories, i did know this guy after all.

just when i finally believe that my life never contained this him before.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. haha never had the movie felt so true.

i dun like this feeling inside.

let it go.

Posted by Jeannie at 11:43 PM

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

confused.

tts all.

Posted by Jeannie at 9:28 PM

Thursday, March 22, 2007

girls.

i am one, and i dun understand girls.

i am really disgusted by how you are behaving as a girl.

you define the worse of them. the sluts. the shameless.

where is your conscience? dont u feel guilt?

dun u know your actions causes an innocent party much pain and distress?

you do. and you still continue to be so.

is it the lack of a heart? your desperateness to get a guy? or to prove u are better?

you say u feel guilty. u are sad. tts bullshit. if u are, u wun be doing all these.

seriously? once all this is over, im gonna post your name here and let the whole world know the bitch who claims she feels upset abt the situation which u yourself created in the 1st place and still carried on.

beware. cuz karma is gonna befall u soon. loads of it. u know it, cuz u know wad u did.

Posted by Jeannie at 1:22 PM

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

i miss my hamsters. they always could make me smile no matter how bad my day was.

i realised something while i sat in my hall library freezing my butt off doing proj.

Guys get into a relationship and think love will grow and nurture by itself. When things go wrong, they ask: "why do all good things come to an end?" and sigh.

Girls get into a relationship, and when things go wrong, fight hard to solve the problem. and most of the time irritates the hell out of the guy. why? cuz he doesn't believe in putting in an effort to save the situation, cuz if its true love, need saving one meh?

Posted by Jeannie at 10:28 PM

Monday, March 19, 2007

im totally stressed.

argh help.

Posted by Jeannie at 4:50 PM

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

i've lost myself.

ever since a year ago, i lost myself. and i cant find me back.

im vulnerable now. when i used to be so strong and independent.

i realised i nv like to tell people my problems.

maybe its pride. maybe its just tt i dun wish ppl to find me a hassle. its like hey, ppl have enough problems le still add on to their worries.

so i choose to solve them by myself. to think by myself.

dun like to get advice. dun like to be judged.

No one knows how i got through this year of tough times. No one knows wad really did happen. i dealt with all those deep dark secrets on my own. scared out of my mind. i just dun want to be helped.

im stupid. hahaha..

4 papers, 1 project. gd luck to me.

be strong jeannie, be strong.

you know you've wept alot more tears alone before. u know you've gone through the worse before. you've faced worst nightmares than this.

so maybe i nv did recover. i have not enough in me to heal myself yet. but its my way, and who else is there to trust but yourself?

so JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU! to work hard to keep the smile on my face.

Posted by Jeannie at 11:08 PM

do something to stop this pain and tears.

i just want to smile.

im damn pissed. and angry.

i DO NOT deserve all this shit. i do not pity myself.

i am just very angry. bloody angry.

angry tt im weak. angry im not walking away. angry tt tears just keep falling.

so so angry.

no way im giving up my smiles. no way.

it will be on my face no matter wad.

Posted by Jeannie at 11:13 AM

Sunday, March 04, 2007

ARGH.

i hate the feeling of wanting to move on but i cant.

last week. this is the last week tt i am going to put in my commitment.

after tt its me, my life, family and my studies.

no more.

this last week.

Posted by Jeannie at 6:47 PM

Thursday, March 01, 2007

grandma in SGH.
i dun wanna grow old. i dun want to live beyong 60.
i dun wan to need surgery with all the advanced technology tt will scare me when i am 60.
i dun wan to hear all my children say they are not free to accompany me to surgery.

realised hospitals are big cuz ppl have to wait all the time. wait wait wait.
for the 1st time in a long time i woke early at 630 to go hospital in a cab with grandma and aunt(daughter-in-law)
and we waited. and waited.
polar got nice hot dog pastry.
and for the 1st time in my life i stood beside the movable bed and walked grandma to the operation room like they do in shows.

maybe its the rain, maybe its the cold.
but things sure seem gloomy around everything these days.

im just real glad to go home to my family and room at the end of a cold day.
in transition.
and i always feel lost during a transition.

im just super sian. i just want to get out of hall asap. after next weekend, i'll be free, sort of. and i dun have to worry or feel guilty tt i wun be in hall for meetings, for work sessions due to unforseen circumstances. come to think of it my yrs in hall were wrecked with guilt. no matter wad was happening to my life and i knew i had ample reason to not be there, i dun like to think tt ppl are doing wrk and im not. and no, i dun care abt those gossipy ppl who have nothing better to do but talk abt how ppl nv do work. i just dun like not being there 24/7.

tt was how scary it has become. to worry tt when u arent there 24/7, u'll miss out on things. so much tt i can just stay in hall like its a bomb shelter and am always always there. miss out on friend's birthdays, gatherings, family dinners. all the scarifice.

so no, no more hall life for me, thanks.

primary sch: was too young to know better. band for 3 yrs.
secondary sch: it was band day in day out. my french horn was the permanent fixture in my life.
junior college: seriously sports everyday. touch rugby, even sundays.

then it was sheares hall, where i continuously nv leave for more than 3 days. craziness.

and now i have nothing in life to concentrate on, which leaves me to ponder why my life is so lousy and how i have nv put much thought into the future, or what i really want in my life.

so have i been blindly doing my things, taking a step at a time, never really thinking?

scary. my priorities were all wrong. like y werent i helping out in outside charities? or studying more? talk to my family members more? instead of slogging day in and out for things like buaya week and such tt is just pure fun but no productivity? maybe satisfaction and fun.

ok nvm i dunnoe wad im talking abt again. time to go tutorial.